The Healthy Way to Handle Conflict

Conflict happens. There’s no avoiding it.
Conflict happens at work, at school, in the home – even in the church! Many people try to ignore conflicts that arise, hoping the situation will just go away. It won’t.
When conflict comes up, you have to deal with it head on. If you’ve got a conflict with those you work with, or in your home or at school, deal with it quickly. Don’t let it fester. It’s a big mistake to think, “Let’s ignore it and hope it will go away.” I can tell you from experience, that doesn’t work. Ignoring conflict does not get rid of it.
Ephesians 4:26-27 (GN) says, If you become angry, do not let your anger lead you into sin and do not stay angry all day. Don’t give the devil a chance. Some people are very surprised when they first read this verse. They ask, “Is it ever right for a Christian to get angry?” Yes. How do I know it’s all right for a Christian to get angry? Well, let me ask you this: Did Jesus ever get angry? Yes. Did Jesus ever sin? No. Evidently there are times when anger is appropriate.
The verse says, If you become angry, do not let your anger lead you into sin. That implies that there is an anger that leads you into sin and there is an anger that doesn’t lead you into sin. There is a right way to get angry and there is a wrong way to get angry. How do you know the difference?
What’s the wrong kind of anger?
The wrong kind of anger is anger that is not resolved quickly. If you become angry, do not let your anger lead you into sin and do not stay angry all day. That’s giving the devil a chance. Resolve it quickly. Don’t be angry all day. The Phillips translation says, Never go to bed angry. That will keep a few of us up sometimes. If you said, “In our marriage, we’ll never go to bed angry,” you might resolve problems a little more quickly.
Don’t let anger hang on. Anger that is not dealt with turns into resentment and then into bitterness. Bitterness is always sin. Resentment is always sin. Those emotions are always wrong. Anger is OK. It’s an appropriate response. If you love, you ought to get angry sometimes. I get angry when I see people blowing their lives on things that don’t matter. I get angry when I see people walking right in the middle of something they know is wrong and they know it is going to destroy them. When you care about people, sometimes anger is the correct response.
But the Bible says you need to deal with it quickly. If I swallow my anger, my stomach keeps score. Have you found that to be true? All tied in a knot. Ulcer-ridden. You have a pain in the back, or a pain in the neck, or pain in other places. The Bible says, Deal with it quickly. Don’t let it hang on. Resolve conflict as fast as possible.
A lot of stress is just conflict that’s never been dealt with. Instead of dealing with the problem right off the bat, you just let it irritate you day after day after day … until you’re totally stressed.
What’s the solution?
How do I deal with conflict quickly? I’ll tell you, but you’re not going to like it. The solution to conflict resolution is one word: confrontation. That’s right. If you’re going to resolve conflict, you must confront. You don’t have to confront in anger, though. In fact, you shouldn’t confront in anger. Lovingly go to the person and, speaking the truth in love, deal with the problem immediately.
Very few of us enjoy confrontation. The only people who do are troublemakers. Troublemakers delight in confrontation. They love to go to people and say, “You’re blowing it!” But normal people don’t like confrontation. Unfortunately, it’s the only way to resolve conflict. It’s risky and it’s uncomfortable and it might backfire in your face. So normal people try hard to avoid confrontation.
When you simply must confront, what’s the best way to do it? James 1:19 tells us three rules for confrontation: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. Those are the three rules when you go to confront another person. Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger. If you do the first two the third one is automatic. If you’re quick to listen and if you’re slow to speak you will be slow to anger. Somebody has pointed out that God gave us two ears and one mouth. We ought to listen twice as much as we talk.
What are you listening for? You listen for the hurt in that person. Hurting people always hurt other people. When someone is being a jerk, more than likely it’s because that person is hurting. When you understand their hurt a bit, you’ve got a better understanding of why they do what they do, and you’re a little more patient with them. Understanding always brings patience. When we don’t understand things, we’re impatient. When we understand them, we’re much more patient.
The Bible says, As far as it depends on you. If you’ve done your part, regardless of their response, the rest is the other person’s burden. It’s their problem now. If you go to the person and say, “Here are some legitimate issues,” then the Bible says you have done your best. You tried to deal with it. As far as it depended on you, you lived in peace with everyone.
And that’s all God asks of you.    

TURNING DISCOURAGEMENT INTO BLESSING

All throughout of our lives we will get discourage in some point, we get discourage when people talk negative about us, when people make promises and not making it and most of the time we get discourage when we put so much effort on something and did our best but at the end we still fell short, we simply can't help ourselves to feel disappointed. But I still believe that all of us have different responses on discouragements, for some they become angry or self pity for some they respond on a positive way convincing themselves that they can do better the next time. Well of course that’s a good thing but not all the time self help is enough to help us. We need to remember we are finite human beings, we can’t do everything in fact there are more things we can’t do than things we can only do. There are lot more things we can’t control than things that we can control and this is the reality of life. We can always hope for the best but the question is, are we certain on what we hope for?. The good news is God wants to help us with our discouragements in life, He wants to change our situations and turn it into blessings however God’s way of helping us is different from what we usually do. Most of the time when God is helping us He is not changing your outside situations, He is changing your inside first. Real change is came from inside not on outside, what happens in your outside is just manifestation of your inside. This is what we call “changing your character”. We always hear from pastors, preachers life coaches and mentors to build your character, change your character, your future will depend on your character. These are actually right but the question is how do we do that, how will I start that. By the way we’re not going to focus and get the details on changing your character, If you want me give you some pointers on how to change character you may feel free to contact me at mguetan@gmail.com.

    But right now let me give you some steps on how God will turn your discouragements into blessings. These are biblical stated principles that if you do these God will turn it to blessing. Not only God will give you blessings but how God will use these circumstances for you to love Him more, to be closer to God and how will He change our inside or change our characters.

    I got these pointers from the story of Luke 5:1-7. ( Please read it for your reference).  By the way just to give you an overview about what happened in the story. Simon and Andrew just came from an overnight fishing however they didn’t catch anything after the sermon of Jesus, He told Simon to go back to the deep water and let down their nets and by this time they catched enormous number of fish until they are on the verge of sinking, wow that’s an amazing turnaround of discouragement to blessing. So let’s take a look and let’s unpack what happen and God blessed them so much.

GET JESUS INVOLVED IN YOUR PROBLEMS

    If you want to turn your discouragement into blessing first thing you have to do is get Jesus involved in your problem. This is the first step you need to do but it’s a matter of choice. This was what Simon (Peter) did on the story, he let Jesus get inside his boat. He let Jesus lead the way to the deep water while he pushed the boat to the deep water. What does this mean? You have to let Jesus decide what to do and just listen to His instructions. He lead the way you push the boat. Sadly speaking if we have problems we’re not really involving Jesus in it, we’re trying to solve it by our own power, wisdom, strength and will. This is not gonna work out the way God will show his blessing. If we want to get God’s blessings we have to do it God’s way. Now two things you have to do if you want to involve Jesus in you problem. First He must be your first option when you have problems not the doctor if you’re sick, not family relatives if you’re broke not someone if you’re discouraged. Second if you got problem, immediately pray and not worry and I truly believe in my heart that God will give  you revelation to how you deal with problem.

TRUST GOD’S WAY EVEN IT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE TO YOU

    Imagine the situation of Simon in the story, they just came from an overnight fishing and didn’t catch anything, this is very frustrating. They work hard all night but didn’t get anything. It’s like you working hard all day in sales but at the end of the day no one bought your products or it’s like Kobe Bryant playing on the floor for 48 minutes but not making any shots. I know that somehow you could relate on this. Then suddenly this man Jesus told Simon to go back to the deep water and let down the nets. Would this make sense to you if someone told you to go back when in fact you just went there and got nothing maybe not. And Simon could have been refused what Jesus told him. By the way Simon and Andrew are professional fishermen they know better than this. But Simon trusted what Jesus told him to do.

Sometimes in life God will ask you something that is really out of the box. Something that doesn’t have any relevance at all and it doesn’t connect on your situation. But the question is, will you trust God’s way even it doesn’t make sense to you? or will you continue to do what you used to do? When God spoke to Noah and asked to build an ark, that idea is really strange because they didn’t even experience rain in their entire life and then suddenly God told Noah to build an ark and He promise to send a rain for 40 days. I’m completely convinced that God’s ways will always be different from our ways, so that we may give Him the glory not us. The Bible says in Isaiah 55:8 “For my thoughts are not my thoughts and my ways are far beyond your ways” declares the Lord.

DO EXACTLY WHAT GOD TOLD YOU   

    You may say you trust God’s way but if you don’t do what He told you, you can’t turn that discouragement into blessings. You could say, God I love you and I trust you but Lord, this time I can’t do what you want me to do. This is really hard for me, it’s tough, can I just do that next time God. That’s not the attitude God will bless. In the story Simon said “We worked hard all night but didn’t get anything but because you say so I will do it”. That’s what we need, a “because you say so” attitude. Lord I’m just tired but because you say so I will do it. Lord I’m not that good on that but because you say so I will do it. Having said that, you can only do what God told you if you do it by God’s power. God’s will requires God’s power to fulfil. And if God gives you clear instruction of what to do, do it exactly as what God said. There was a story in the Bible about a man named Moses who didn’t do exactly what God told him and the result God didn’t allow him to get into the promised land. Because the people are all summoning Moses of bringing them in the wilderness without water, he asked God to give them water and God gave him a very clear instruction of what to do. “Moses just speak to the rock and the water will come out” God said, but Moses instead struck rock. And because of that God didn’t allow Moses to go into the promised land. It’s like God saying to us, because you didn’t do what I told you I will not give the greatest blessing I could give you, even you worked hard and even you have sacrificed. That is why it’s very important that we pay attention to what God is saying, have an ear to listen to God. Question, are you listening to God? By the way, how will I know what God is telling me? It’s through reading His word. It is the voice of God directly speaking to you when you are reading scripture. And I believe in my heart that God will speak to you and tell you what He wants you to do, that’s what we called revelation.

EXPECT GREAT THINGS WILL HAPPEN

In this part, God will show His power for your own benefit. But this power will only unlock if you do the first three pointers. God is a gracious God and He wants us to enjoy His miracles but it could not penetrate until we make ourselves deserving of these blessings. Again God is far more concern about changing your inside than your outside. What happens outside is just a manifestation of what happens in your inside. Let’s go back to the story of Simon when He let Jesus get involved, he also trust him even he was tired and the idea was strange and lastly he did exactly Jesus told him. Those were an acts of faith. And guess what Jesus unlock that great blessing through his discouragement. Sometimes we can expect for the best but God will always surprise you with his power. In this stage we will experience the indescribable character of the Lord.

How God Grows You Through the 6 Phases of Faith By Rick Warren

Did you know that God uses a very predictable process to build your character?  I call it the Six Phases of Faith.  If you don’t understand the process, you’ll get discouraged when problems arise.  You’ll wonder, “Why is this happening to me?”
But if you understand and cooperate with what God is doing – in your life and with your faith – you’ll develop great strength. It’s like stretching a muscle to make it stronger.
PHASE 1: A DREAM
God gives you a dream: an idea, goal, or ambition.  Every great accomplishment first begins as a God-given dream in someone’s mind.  “God is able to do far more than we would ever dare to ask or even dream of – infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, or hopes.”  Eph. 3:20 (LB)
PHASE 2: DECISION
A dream is worthless until you decide to do something about it.  For every ten dreamers, there’s only one decision-maker.  This is the moment of truth where you decide to invest your time, money, energy, and reputation – and to let go of security.  If you want to walk on water,  you’ve got to get out of the boat!  “You must believe and not doubt … a double-minded man is unstable in all he does.”  James 1:6 and 8 (GN)
PHASE 3: DELAY
There is ALWAYS a time lapse before your dream becomes reality.  God uses this waiting period to teach you to trust Him.  Remember:  a delay is not a denial.  Maturity is understanding the difference between “no” and “not yet.”
God says, “These things I plan won’t happen right away.  Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled.  If it seems slow, do not despair, for these things will surely come to pass.  Just be patient!  They will not be overdue a single day!”  Hab. 2:3 (LB)
PHASE 4: DIFFICULTY
Now the problems start popping up.  The two most common types: critics and circumstances.  Don’t worry!  It’s all a part of God’s plan.  “At the present you may be temporarily harassed by all kinds of trials.  This is no accident – it happens to prove your faith, which is infinitely more valuable than gold.”  1 Pet. 1:6-7 (Ph)
PHASE 5: DEAD-END!
Your situation will deteriorate from difficult to IMPOSSIBLE!  You’ll find yourself backed into a corner; you reach the end of your rope. The situation looks hopeless.  Congratulations!  You’re on the edge of a miracle.  Trust God.
“At that time we were completely overwhelmed … in fact we told ourselves that this was the end.  Yet, we now believe we had this sense of impending disaster so that we might learn to trust – not in ourselves – but in God who can raise the dead.”  2 Cor. 1:8-9 (Ph)
PHASE 6: DELIVERANCE!
God provides a supernatural answer.  Miraculously, things fall into place!  God loves to turn crucifixions into resurrections so you can see His greatness.  “I expect the Lord to deliver me once again so I will see his goodness to me ….”  Ps. 27:13